Andie.ink

Note:
I’m stepping a little out of my comfort zone for the next few posts.
For those who know me in person, they will be shocked by this. Who knew I had a comfort zone?!

I want to share my journey over the next few weeks for several reasons.
#1. Writing helps me process.
#2. The #1 desire of my writing, or anything I do in life really, is connection and relationship. I want to share my story, my journey; so that others in my shoes, or similar ones, can know they are not alone. Also, it’s so that they may gain more insight and practical information. I want to make it clear that I am not writing to gain pity or sympathy, but to bring connection and understanding.

With that… I will now make an official statement to the public. (Insert camera clicks and journalist chatter as I walk up to a podium. It’s actually my porch to which I’ve tapped a kids Barbie microphone, but I was in a crunch.)

I have given my Uterus an eviction notice.

I gave it the pink slip.

I told it I was canceling my monthly subscription.

I’ve told it we are breaking up.

I have 99 problems, but a Uterus ain’t one!

*Not my actual Uterus

My hysterectomy journey began in middle school not long after my cycle began.

 They went from:

  “Meh… this ain’t so bad,”

to:

“DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN TAKE ME NOW BEFORE MY UTERUS STRANGLES ME OR I DROWN IN MY OWN BLOOD!”

In high school I had to skip school the first day of my cycle.  My OB/GYN told me my cramps were probably as painful as contractions.

(FYI… he was 110% correct. )
I had to stay in a 10 foot radius of a bathroom.
I bled so much I had to wear pads the size of my thigh. I could not wear tampons.
I had to change my pad every hour.
I spent my days on my cycle panicked that someone would notice or I’d soak through my pants… again.

I even wore these special underwear that helped keep my pad in place AND soak up any overflow…

They looked like depends, and yes, people noticed. I remember one of my male classmates asking me what the hell kind of underwear I was wearing once. I cried for years about that.

On top of having the worst period known to man that resembled a blood bath, I am a Highly Sensitive Person. ( If you don’t know what that is I recommend you “Google” it. ) Having to wear a pad was a nightmare of stress and anxiety as it was, but as an HSPer the feeling of wearing them drove me to cursing. To this day my husband can hear me in tears and cursing from our bathroom during my cycle.

There was never a magic solution for me. I tried birth control, but that sent my hormones into a massive mess that only amplified the depression I was in therapy for.

My mother lost her ability to have kids through a type of IUD so there was NO way I was going that route.

Long story short… I had three beautiful children. We were told during my last c-section that my Uterus was so thin, I should not get pregnant again. It would be a massive risk to both the baby and I. So, more biological children are out of the picture anyways.

After I started my cycle again after my first child, I never got cramps again. For that I am grateful.  But the cycles got worse. They got heavier ( if that was possible!) I went from a controlled flow Hoover Dam to a full flow Hoover Dam. With every child it got worse.

Now I am 33. My youngest is 20 months.  When I have my cycle I have to change my pad or Thinx ( A LIFESAVER for my HSPness!!!) every 30 minutes. I cannot leave the house for three days and my cycle lasts 7 days or more. Before my third child, I was on an even 30 days cycle. Right now I am getting my cycle every 21 days or less.

When I plan appointments,

or play dates,

or grocery shopping

, or my son’s school events,

church events, family events etc. ,

I have to plan around my cycle. I have had to miss events because of it.

I have started to think about working more (I work one day a week right now).
I have started to think about my future beyond being a Stay at Home Mom and all those thoughts, plans, dreams, events…

MY ENTIRE LIFE…

Are all affected by my Uterus.

So, I made a decision with the help of my doctor. We both agreed that my Uterus has had a good run…

But that it’s got to go.

So.

Dear Uterus,

Thank you for the four children you have held for me. Thank you for giving three of them life and one of them wings.  I am grateful beyond words for our ability to create life together. Creating a new life is magnificent and an honor. It changed me and I’m still processing the intensity of creating and birthing a child.
I had dreamed that there would be one more.
But sometimes dream’s come in different avenues than we want them to. Sometimes we need to put our adult pants on and make a choice that will result in a better life for not only me, but my family.
(God knows my husband is excited about the benefits. )
You’ve given me hell, but you’ve also given me my four pieces of heaven. I wish we could have worked things out, but your attitude and tantrums are terrifying even to medical professionals.
Let’s try to enjoy our last three weeks as a couple and I promise that after you are gone, I won’t replace you.
Sincerely Always Yours,

Andrea