Andie.ink

For my Foster Care and Adoptive Families:

Here’s some Foster Care/Adoption humor for the day:

How to prepare house for home inspection in 10 easy steps:

step #1: 24 hours before arrival, arrange for some children to go to Grandparents for overnight.

Step #2: Place all remaining children in front of screen and let them binge watch PBS Kids/Netflix for full 24 hours.

Step #3: Clean Kitchen first. Order out for cheap pizza… all four meals before inspection, including breakfast and send cold pizza in children’s lunches.

Step #4: Donate entire contents of house to local second hand store.

step #5: Spend next 24 hours deep cleaning the house, including the lint out of the vents and repainting entire house. (Pro-tip: Always do inspections during winter to avoid having outdoor property inspected)

Step #6: An hour before arrival, send husband out to recycle all 17 pizza boxes. Lay out organic veggie tray with hummus out. East some of it to make it appear your children eat vegetables. (Pro-tip: Smear hummus on children’s faces and place veggies in their hands. They won’t notice. They’ve zoned out from 24 hours of screen time.)

Step #7: Strategically place children’s educational books, items and best school work all over house. (Pro-tip: Buy child development books, leave them in the kitchen sink, pour coffee over them and let dry so they look read and used. Place those on kitchen tables and nightstand)

Step #8: 10 Minutes before arrival, turn off all electronics and hide them. Pep-talk entire family reminding them we are a loving, gentle, peaceful family who never yells or wrestles with each other. (Pro-tip: bribe them with candy, movies, toys, etc to ensure decent behavior)

Step #9: 5 minutes before arrival, release the children into the home. This will give the house a clean, but slightly lived in look, unlike the nuclear bomb look it usually has.

Step #9.5: During the visit, just walk around apologizing for everything. Including the time in 9th grade where you told Becky Smith that her new hair cut looked cute, but you knew it didn’t. The Flock of Seagulls hairstyle was not a feminine look.

Step #10: After completion of inspection, empty entire content of liquor cabinet into wine glass, put pajamas on, and start prep list for next years renewal. (Pro-tip: Hire a cleaning lady next year…)

Addendum: One might be tempted to light a candle to make a more “Real Simple” aura in the home. Do NOT do this. This is a red flag that you might be trying to cover up stinky smells like food in the sink disposal, animal smells, boys or rotting mouse carcasses in the attic.