Two weeks ago I wrote a post about how my personhood is in a state of finding rest. Not 30 – 45 minutes after I posted that particular post, I received an e-mail announcing the release of this devotional by one of my favorite writers. I quite literally laughed out loud. Well. It was more of a chuckle, but the serendipitous nature of the timing of the post and e-mail struck me humorously.
I of course ordered it and purposefully waited to start it until the new year. After my blog last night; the one on crawling into the new year after surviving the year of challenges and heartbreaks, the serendipitous nature of this quote by A.W. Tozer (Tozer is my jam!) struck my hard in between the eyes. Not so humorously though.
This quote places my year in a box, wraps it in brown paper and places a neat red little bow on it.
When I began therapy at the end of 2017, I did it out of desperation because I knew I could not continue living as the person I was. I prayed a very stupid prayer, “Lord, heal me.”
Oh He did. He did so by giving me a taste of Job. He stepped back and let the winds batter me.
“Get up out of the water.”
“The winds are coming.”
These are the three phrases that came to me throughout the year and they document the steps I had to take to heal. They have very personal meaning to me and are not just three random phrases.
But as I stand in the doorway of 2016, I can honestly say; in the words of those precious millennials, “I’m woke.”
2018 was a storm. The seas were rough and I faced some very deeply buried memories and fears.
I survived and I healed.
I am not the same person I was a year ago.
My therapists feels it.
My friends feel it.
My kids feel it.
My husband feels it.
All are adjusting.
I worked hard to be here in 2019 and I don’t want to throw that hard work away.
My husband posted an article on not making a New Year’s resolution, but instead writing a personal thesis.
This post is my thesis. Reflecting on where we have been can show us where we are going.
I have a feeling there are changes ahead. Good ones. I have a feeling there is goodness in this year.
I have a gut feeling on babies. On jobs. On careers. On my faith. On my friends.
I have a gut feeling about you. My readers. All 2 of you.
2018 was a very dark year. For a lot of us. I quite literally told my therapist and my Best Friends, “I’m digging into the darkness.”
Here are the Lord’s words for me in 2019:
“Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in your ear, preach on the housetops.
And do not fear…”
-Matthew 10:27-31 paraphrased from NKJV
2018 was full of darkness, but as I look out on our 6 inches of fresh white snow reflecting the brightness of a rare cloudless sunny day; I’m pretty certain that no matter what 2019 brings, it’s light.
Happy first day of your new adventures!
-Your Mental Health Trauma Momma.
p.s. Here is the devotional: