Oh My Heart.

I promised many of you that I would update you after this morning’s Cardiology appointment.
Not so great news first: I do really have Paroxysmal Atrial Fibrillation as well as Tachycardia. (Sometimes people can get heart flutters from things like drinking too much coffee and it’s not really A-Fib.) I had an echo cardiogram today and I am waiting for results.

Good news: I am young and healthy. The majority of the time my heart beats at a normal sinus rhythm. Most likely my episodes are being caused by a trigger and not something more serious.
What does this mean? I have to eliminate ALL caffeine which includes ALL coffee, ALL tea and ALL chocolate.
Basically I am left with no coping mechanisms.
If the episodes stop, than I am golden pony can can manage this condition without medications or surgical intervention.
If not… than we have to pursue those routes and it’s possible it might be more serious.

But that’s not all I want to tell you.
An acquaintance of mine, passed away last evening from stage 4 cancer. She was 36, same age as I am. She was just recently married and they had a three month old son. She was diagnosed the same day I was… a week ago. And she is gone already. We were not close. We knew of each other. We met. We had mutual friends and her family were my friends. The gravity of her life weighs upon my soul today… and it will for the rest of my life.

I have lived for SO LONG with fear steering my ship. Oh! I wish I could convey the history of choices and holding back. Oh! How different my life would have looked if I had not been so full of fear. The world was tinted grey because of the filter of fear I lived under. I held back in my singing, my dancing, my theatrical work, my traveling, my loving, my LIVING.

Fear is what kindles the fire of my need to be in control and have things just so in my life. It’s what has fueled the hurt that I have inflicted upon people around me. Fear has held me back from accomplishing a great number of things. It’s held me back in relationships. It’s made me hold onto the wrong ones too long. It’s muddied the canvas of my life.

No more I say. No more.
After the year we had last year and after receiving this diagnosis, I cannot begin to express to you how different the world looks.

WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO BE AFRAID.
WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO LET FEAR STEER THE SHIP.

Why be afraid?

Because my family will tell me to stop being dramatic?
Because my friends have me locked into a box of their own expectations?
Because parenting has to look a certain way?
Because being a wife has to look a certain way?

No. I choose JOY.

I choose to savor these moments because I DON’T HAVE TIME.
I choose to stop and breath in the goodness I have been blessed with.
I choose to find joy in even a heart condition diagnosis.
It’s almost freeing.
There is nothing left to fight. Nothing left to fear.
Not that pain won’t come.
Not that death won’t knock on our doorstep.
Not that suffering and confusing circumstances won’t show up.
But we don’t have time to be afraid.

Choose joy. Unabashed, brazen, incorrigible, audacious, bold JOY.

For Mims. For Tasha. For myself. For my husband. For my parents. For my children. For my faith.

I’ve got the JOY, JOY, JOY, JOY down in my heart.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s