PHD of Existence

Just how deep does an adoptee’s need to justify their existence in the world run?
I am currently putting off writing a book to spend over $20,000 a degree that will justify my writing that book.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t question my very “being here.”
There are days where I tell my husband or my mental health bestie, “I just don’t want to be here.” That’s code for, “I love life and want to live, but also… don’t. I don’t think I belong.”
Every day that I sit down to work on this degree I breath in deep and think, “THIS. THIS will show them that I am worth something!”
And ten minutes later I’m in tears because I can’t piece together Frued, Paiget, Erikson, Fowler etc… It makes my brain hurt.
I’m not book smart. I am spacially, visually and inter/interpersonally smart. See… those aren’t even correct forms of those words…
But who wants to read a book written by someone who doesn’t have the proper education to tell them the things?
Who wants to read a book written by a person who can’t even feel confident in her existence?
Especially one about motherhood.
I’m taking a break from writing words to fill my brain with these words hoping this degree will make me feel like my existence and words I write are justifiable to the readers.
But I know that ten minutes after I get that “little piece of paper” that declares I did the hard work to be a Social Worker…
I’ll be sending out applications for a PHD program.
UGH. I have no trite, cliche’ summary of this post.
Just a gentle example that your adopted friends, spouses, kids etc probably struggle with feeling that their very existence is justifiable and that they will combat those feelings by trying to be in control and over achieve in some area of their lives. And that in those areas it will never be enough.
You might think we are being silly, rash, unwise, pushing too hard, spending too much money or not doing enough. You may think we change our minds like a kid in a candy store and appear unstable.
But we what we are really screaming internally, AND we may not even know it, is, “AM I WORTHY?”
The answer is yes. Always yes.
But we have to work through our crap to get to a place where we are even open to acknowledging that.
So this is me working through my crap and bringing you all along for the ride.
Also. I think I won’t be going into Human Development theory analysis or research for my PHD.

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