17

I missed World Mental Health day… because I was having a bad mental health day.
Apparently, mental health is what I am known for so I don’t want to skip out of addressing it entirely.
I was having a bad mental health day because I am adjusting to new meds. Full disclosure, I hate medications. They are a great gift that comes with a lot of struggle. Meds can be lifesavers and life changers… IF you can find the right one and the right dosage.
Meds are like Facebook. They can be a great tool that brings people together… and they can also function like angry internet trolls who make us turn into people we are not in the comment section.

It’s been a long time since I have been on a daily med. Because nothing seemed to work. Anti-depressants never quite fixed my depression. Because, while I was depressed, my problem was not depression. In fact, several of them made things worse or shut me down completely. I would go numb. I could have watched a murder happen in front of me and just sat there thinking, “Huh.”

I’ve been fighting mental illness outright since I was 20. That’s 17 years of fighting for answers, a cure, a solution, a life-raft. Seventeen years of assessing what kind of day I would be having before my eyelids even opened and dreading the answer. Seventeen years of people tilting their heads at me wondering why I was the way I was and why I did what I did.

A phrase I heard ALL the time was, “There is something wrong with Andrea.”

And there was. But the science concerning what was wrong with me wasn’t even being studied yet.

Now I am on a new daily med. For a new diagnosis. That leaves me with 17 years of a basket full of diagnosis: Depression. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Trauma. Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Addictive Personality Disorder. Sensory disorder. Misophonia. Etc.
And now ADHD.
And I started a med.
And it is working.

17 years and something is working.

Some people don’t even give their marriages that long.
Wars don’t even last that long.
One year shy of raising a child.
Almost two decades.
Three different presidencies.
That’s Kindergarten to a college degree.

Keep. Fighting.
Keep doing the hard things.
Keep facing the dark places.
Keep going.

I don’t know how long it will take for you or if finding something that works will ever happen. But my journey has been worth it for me. I’ve found who I am through it all. I know what I want to do with the rest of my life because of it. I’ve faced the darkest things in me and that have happened to me and I survived.

You will too.

My greatest weakness became my greatest weapon.

2 thoughts on “17

  1. Beautifully written…so glad you have found something that is working. Struggles so many people have, yet so many never find the help. Thanks for sharing. It’s necessary. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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