Full Circle

An adoptee who adopts does not a perfect present wrapped up in a bow make. 
A marketing picture for your pamphlet we are not. 
Our joy and laughter is not because, but in spite of. 

An adoptee who adopts is not adopting because of how magical and healing adoption is. 

An adoptee who adopts recognizes the darkness of adoption and knows that there needs to be good people to step in and parent in that darkness. 
And we adoptees know that darkness on friendly terms. 

An adoptee who adopts is willingly walking from a fire to an inferno. 

An adoptee who adopts is not walking full circle. 

Are there aspects that are full circle? Yes. Does it make the story full circle? No. 

Because just like every other adoption; healing cannot come from adoption. Adoption creates a situation where healing will continually need to take place. 
Just because there are healing revelations for me having now adopted does not mean the adoption was the answer. It may have been a catalyst. 
 But trauma still remains. 

Trauma still lives here. 

And now there isn’t just one adoption trauma story in our lives…

There is two. 

1 + 1 does not equal zero. It equals two. Adopting did not cancel out my trauma nor hers. There is no “null and void” with trauma. No quid pro Quo…

 Unlike many I did not go into adoption blindly or in a fog or for a magically made family. 

I went in full tilt. Knowing the best and the worst parts. 

Yet every day I am still surprised at how far and deep and how wide the impacts of trauma are on not just her and I, but on the other family members, our life choices, our daily schedules… 

So, before you call adoptees adopting light in this world, know we are hearing you from deep down in caves of darkness trying to funnel in the light any way we can. 


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