Andie.ink

I sit here facing a computer screen with a blinking cursor. The words behind it hold the cumbersome weight of the anger and disappointment. The blank space in front hold the emptiness of unmet expectations, the “what-ifs,” and the void that I will always have because of relinquishment. 

There will be no letter this year. 
No acknowledgement.
No, “Thanks for giving me life.” 

Why?

Because I do not owe her anything. 

The choice made by other people to change the trajectory of my life left me feeling as if I had a debt to pay.  
And I’ve carried the weight of that debt my entire life. 

Carrying the weight of unnecessary debt looks like fear, anger, dissociation, regression, stagnation, impulsivity, servitude, co-dependency, numbness… there are so many more… 

My instinctual loyalty and spiritual soul ties are constantly weighing the question, “Do I owe her a  relationship… a thank you…  for giving me life?”

Our society, especially Christian society, has melded the concept of capitalism into every facet of our lives. Capitalism says, “If I give you something out of my toil, you owe me. If I sacrifice for you, you owe me.”

This seeps into how we raise and view family relationships. (If you don’t agree, I’ll send you the research.)  

But the truth is I don’t owe anything. 

I don’t owe a thank you. 
I don’t owe a card. 
I don’t owe a relationship. 

I don’t owe her love. 
 
To be in relationship with her comes with expectations, rules, excuses, projection, character-smearing, gaslighting, deniel, lies, and the placing of our story on a pedestal. 

Do I recognize her own trauma? Yes. 
Do I recognize her own brokenness? Yes. 
Does my heart break for our relationship? Yes. 
Do I have compassion? Yes. 
Do I have empathy? Yes. 
Do I pray for her? Yes.

But I do not owe anything. 
It is not my job to fix her through my own degradation. 

I can hold God’s love for her in one hand and boundaries for myself in the other. 

There will be no letter this year. 

Because if I am going to break the cycle of generational trauma, both psychologically and physically, I have to let go of the concept of being in debtor’s prison.

I must heal myself. 

Medice, cure te ipsum.