When a parent severs a relationship with a child in any way… through words or actions, it is easier for the child to believe that something is wrong with them and not with the parent.

I’ve spent my whole life thinking something is wrong with me. I’ve spent my whole life being a disappointment.

I’ve spent my whole life developing my craft as a master actress. I’ve spent my whole life being a chameleon.
Hiding the fact that I am not enough for anyone around me.
Because the primal part of my brain is damaged from a parent whose actions and subsequent actions throughout my life told me I was a disappointment.

Trying to force myself into a parallel universe that I wasn’t meant to live in. I’ve created my own sense of reality in order to stave off the crushing reality that I am not enough.

Why was I not enough for her.
Why was I such a disappointment.
At birth and every day since I’ve been disappointed in myself that I am such a disappointment to every single person in my life.
It’s why I feel that I always have to prove myself to my Adoptive Parents. Because if I am not enough to them… I may lose them too. It’s why I live in fear every damn day of disappointing my husband. Because I KNOW he is just waiting to find a reason to leave me.I can’t give him one to stay.

I’ve created a character, an avatar, a version of myself that hides the truest parts of myself in order to be the right avatar for the job in front of me. I can take off these different characters more easily than changing my socks. It’s why I don’t mix my groups of friends or let them meet my parents. It’s why I changed friend groups every few years when they started to get to know me. It’s why only a few people in my REAL life know this account even exists.

And it doesn’t matter how many times people tell me this isn’t true. No matter how many times my Adoptive Parents tell me they love me. No matter how many times my husband shows me his commitment to me. No matter how many times my kids hug me…

I’ll always be the burden my families have to bear because that primal wound that I am such a disappointment cannot be healed it can only be coped with.

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