I don’t know what to tell you guys.
People with trauma have the burning desire to be in control.
Adoption is trauma. There is not an adoptee out there who doesn’t wrestle with the need to be in control in some aspect of their lives. Every damn day I harm myself, my marriage, and my family because my battle to keep the world around me controlled. I hate needing to micro manage the world around me… but my whole body and brain are screaming: THIS IS NOT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE. Control is way I can sooth that voice while going to battle against what my brain believes to be attacks.
But I have to fight for control. I live in a world where my body was taken from the woman I was bonded to and within minutes was in the arms of a completely different mother.
I have held newborns taken from their mothers. I have felt their resistance at the sound of my voice and watched them search for a face that isn’t mine. I’ve cared for newborns who didn’t start relaxing until two weeks after placement. I’ve seen a 6 week old demand to hold their bottle and feed themselves. Don’t even get me start on children in foster care who have severe childhood trauma and how deep their need for control is.
If I could smack adoptive parents across the face with one small factoid this month, it would be that your child’s need for control is a survival tactic of trauma.
Get over yourselves. Get over your child’s behavior. It’s not personal.
Raising biological neuro-typical kids is hard… so did you think that an adopted child who has trauma would be easier?!
You are choosing to step into a parenting roll that demands more of you. You are not going to save your child from the effects of adoption. You can curb the effects. You can educate yourselves, provide tools, resources, education, and provide love, but you will not negate their trauma.
You aren’t that great of a parent. No one is.
Stop fighting for control in your child’s adoption.
Your need for control won’t win out over your child’s need to survive.