Dear Adoptive Parents-

Dear Birth and Adoptive Parents –

Your adopted child will never be completely honest with you.

Yes. There are children who are more open and vulnerable with their parents. Yes. You can still have a good relationship, yet not be completely honest.

But no child is ever completely honest with their parents. Adoptees have multiple added layers piled thickly on top of “the usual” family dynamics and trauma. And those multiple layers dictate that if we were completely honest with you, we may experience rejection and abandonment all over again. We may lose our felt safety with you. We may be exposed to your negative reaction about to our grief. We may be gaslit, or ignored. It means we could lose practical things like your love, our reunion, your support, our homes, belongings, financial support, our siblings, our churches, our community, connections to our stories, and have our names slandered behind our back at family functions or among your friends. It’s too great a risk for us. We will never be honest with you and we don’t have to be.

That’s part of the deal for having children. It’s YOUR job as the parent to accept that your child will never be able to be fully honest with you about anything.

So, Birth and Adoptive Parents, when you come at us Adult Adoptees who are advocating for reform, or who are speaking some very difficult truths, or tell you that you are wrong, ignorant, harmful, naive, etc., you CANNOT use your own adoptee’s story as a defense. ESPECIALLY if that adoptee’s story is that they walked away from you. Your adoptee and their story isn’t your shield to protect your fragility. And don’t you DARE take what you learn here and use it as a weapon against your adoptee. Don’t you DARE assault or bombard your adoptee with questions or information that may trigger their traumas. Even if your adoptee is an adult, YOU are the parent. Act like it.

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