Holy Holy Holy

I’ve always wanted to adopt.

When I was little I wanted to adopt because being adopted was cool and people gave me attention for it.

When I was a young woman I wanted to adopt because my parents were able to provide different things for me I knew I wouldn’t have had or had access to otherwise. I really loved my childhood.
When I was newly married, we wanted to adopt because we were told we had a 2% of conceiving and both of us wanted children. Surrogacy wasn’t an option. Even as an adoptee that was the next best choice. Our “plan B.”
After our first bio child almost died during birth and we experienced a miscarriage, we wanted to adopt because we did not want to walk in death again.
As foster parents, we said we would adopt if it was needed.

But the truth is, I just really always knew I would adopt.

My desire to adopt started out of attention-seeking behavior swept through unprocessed trauma, walked through unprocessed grief, dipped a toe (or leg) into saviorism and ended like this photo.

I get shit for being an adoptee who adopted. Several years ago I had one person comment to me that it was disgusting that I would want to adopt as an adoptee. But kids will always need homes. And who else to do it better than someone who knows this pain.
There is not a day that goes by that doesn’t end like this. Every nap and night looks like this.
This child strewn over my body. Usually my face and neck.

Two adoptees walking through trauma.
One parent re-parenting herself.
One child being parented by someone to who they will NEVER have to explain themselves to.
This photo isn’t disgusting.

It’s healing.
It’s restorative.
It’s consecrated.

It’s holy.

I am not implying in this post that being an adoptee automatically qualifies us to be a good adoptive parent. It requires THAT much more of us in our inner work and our tactile parenting work. Adoptees considering adoption need to approach it very cautiously. Knowing your child’s pain is both a blessing and a curse.
I am also not implying I am a “better” adoptee because I adopted. Family is a trigger no matter what we chose. Respect our choices.

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