Andie.ink

Introduction:
I did not have the energy to write about marriage yesterday. I’m not sure I do today, but 10 years ago yesterday, June 13th, 2007, Matt proposed to me the second time. Clearly the second time lasted longer than the first.

Matt took me to the beach of a small northern Michigan lake. We were already planning the wedding, I had bought my dress and I knew he was going to propose because well… we had bought the ring that day and he wanted to make it official.

Matt down on both knees: Do you wanna get married?

Me: Sure.

We’d been back in each other’s lives a month. We’d been dating two weeks and already planning a wedding at that point set for 9 weeks later.
We are almost 10 official years into marriage and half of me didn’t think we would make it this far. Nope.

Chapter One:
Listen. Marriage is damn hard work. It’s not for the weak. If you are weak, then it will either break you or turn you into a superhero. I became the later by the Grace of God alone. Marriage takes two. You cannot do it without the other teammate. It will fail without each partner putting in 110%. I say 110% because marriage requires you to live beyond yourself. It will ask more then what you think or know yourself to be able to do.
There will be times when you can’t give 100%. You may only be able to give 5% and your spouse has to step up for awhile and give 195%. Then there are times you will be asked to do the heavy lifting. It’s a balance and a give and take. Knowing that you are doing the struggling now for the benefit for the later because your spouse, your marriage and your kids (if you have them) are worth it.
There WILL BE times you say, “I’m done! This isn’t worth it!” Trust me. I’ve told Matt I was leaving him 100 times. And I was serious.

Then there will be other times where you look at your partner and feel like you are going to explode because you are so lucky.

Chapter Two:
You want your marriage to work? Not just work, but THRIVE?

Start by rolling up your sleeves and ready to get your hands dirty. For real. Those dishes don’t wash themselves!
Secondly… Get a degree. Get a degree in your spouse. I have a B.S. of Matt. Educate yourself on your spouse, find out what makes them tick through observation and research. Beside observation and simply… you know… asking them,

Read books on marriage ( I have a list of book that have SAVED our marriage if you are interested).

Surround yourself with marriage supporters (people who encourage your marriage, give you solutions NOT tear down your spouse, people who stand beside BOTH of you during the hard times and say, “How can we help?”).

INVEST in your marriage with time and money!!! I don’t care how poor you are. Trust me. We’ve been pretty poor. SPEND MONEY on your marriage. GO TO CONFERENCES. BUY BOOKS. HIRE BABY SITTERS. DATE YOUR SPOUSE. We just spent 2/3 a monthly budget on a getaway because we needed it and it was worth it! We have NEVER felt more connected. Put your kids second. Your kids are taught what a marriage looks like by watching you. They need to learn that your spouse comes before them.
Here is a truth bomb:
If your marriage relationship isn’t healthy, then your relationship with your kids won’t be healthy AND their marriage relationships most likely won’t be healthy either.

Do you see a generational theme going here? Good. That’s how life works. What you do affects the generations that come after you. You are being given a chance to start, build, continue a legacy. Step up to the plate and get ready to swing. It either continues, ends or starts with you… both positively or negatively.

There is no BIG magical secret to happy marriages, but I can tell you that marriage doesn’t come by just living the daily grind. I can tell you that it takes sacrificing of yourself and putting your spouse first even as far as the giving up of life goals and dreams. It’s *insert swear word* hard and painful. Yes. Painful. I’ve had to rip life long dreams of mine out of my own hands. But that’s what Christ did for us. He laid down his life… HIS LIFE. I just had to give up a few dreams here and there. I mean, compared to death, I’d rather give up my dream of acting and you know… live. Because,  “living is good and dying is not as good.” – Jerry Seinfeld.

In turn though…it’s worth it. You reap what you sow and by giving up things that I thought were SO important to me, I have been rewarded with other things I didn’t even know I needed or wanted. Like the bottle of wine in my fridge and the Gelato in my freezer.

It’s been 10 years of tears, screaming, broken coin jars, take down holds, lost babies, babies born, sharing the same bed even when murder was on our minds, rejoicing in each other’s success and holding each other up when we have both felt like our earth had been removed from beneath us. It’s been burnt dinners, and fights over underwear on the floor, and dealing with intruders in our marriage who happen to think they could pry one of us away with their artsy marketing skills or blonde hair. FYI Matt doesn’t like blondes so don’t even try. It’s been demon cats and 5 dogs Andrea thought she wanted. It’s been move after move and unloading Uhauls while 25 weeks pregnant and driving across country in 2 broken Budget Trucks. It’s been 5 90s references a day and 1,000 bottles of wine. It’s been one million apologies that hurt to hear and were agonizing and embarrassing to say.

We aren’t perfect folks. I scream like a dirty mouthed college football coach daily. He takes his emotions and shoves them down into the seventh layer of hell and then wonders why people think he’s short worded sometimes.

He also puts his arms around me, even though he hates hugs, tells me he’d choose me all over again every day, that I’m doing an amazing job and that he couldn’t do this without me.

I have chosen to stand beside him as he slowly climbed his way through 8 years of college… (what we though would be 4.) Through 3 babies, two foster kids, third shift jobs and 80 hours a week to survive and one giant home remodel that’s still going on five years later.

Someone told me this past year, someone who knows both of us very well, “If you two can’t make it, then there is no point in me ever getting married.”

Guys, marriages that not just make it, but thrive, aren’t special. We aren’t amazing people. We are very broken imperfect people. If you don’t believe me, come live with us for a week. Matt is a jerk and I am a high maintenance, over emotional, anxiety filled hot mess. We’ve been through some very hard things that were thrust upon us, AND we’ve sometimes created our own destruction.

Marriages that work happen when two very imperfect people believe in their spouse AND believes their spouse truly believes in the best for them.
Matt and I have done a lot of pondering this past year as we prep the landing gear to land on the green dot of ten years. ( That’s an Osh-Kosh Airshow joke BTW. Also… fly into Osh Kosh just once in your life. If there was ever a good explanation for what marriage looks like… fly into Osh Kosk, circle a few times and land on that green dot. Or just Google a video as to avoid a heart attack.)Here’s my conclusion… My hint. This was decided upon by both Matt and I upon many years of discussion on what does it take to make it? To have a good, thriving marriage? To not end up separating?